I’ll never forget the fear I felt standing on the side of the 101 fwy in handcuffs. It was April 2008. It must have been around 5pm on a weekday. I was headed home to Santa Clarita, California after having a few glasses of wine at BJ’s in Woodland Hills. Traffic was really slow and I wasn’t paying attention. I rear ended the car in front of me and they hit the car in front of them. Thankfully no one was hurt. I was incredibly freaked out, panicked and couldn’t stop crying. I grew up with really strict parents and had never been in any kind of legal trouble before. I had been drinking heavily for a few years, but I didn’t really think I had a problem. People around me did, but I didn’t. I figured they were just saying that so I would stop.

Within 6 months I got a 2nd DUI not even a mile away from my house. My drinking had escalated, I was a mess. I was terrified. When I went to court the judge looked at me with compassion and told me that I needed to take a look at my life and I needed to get help. I was sentenced to 4 days in Jail. He also told me that if I got a 3rd DUI I would be sentenced to two years in Jail. That was October of 2008. I wish I could say that was my rock bottom but I continued to self harm, self medicate with alcohol for another 6 months until I got sober on April 2, 2009.

My husband didn’t know what to do, he loved me and made excuses for me. He believed me every time I swore I would never drink again. I really did mean it, but I didn’t have any control over it. My son was 5 at this point and he was worried and scared. I come from a large family with older parents who were kept in the dark while active in my disease. Various siblings had different approaches. From taking me to church and having people pray over me, to feeling helpless while I cried on the phone saying I wanted to die, to trying a tough love approach and eventually cutting me off, they each did what they were capable of doing to try to help.

Two DUI’s and 4 days in jail wasn’t my rock bottom. It was the self-hate. It was the shame and disgust I felt. It was the fear I saw in my son’s eyes when he looked at me and the hurt and helplessness I saw my husband go through. I was tired of being tired. I wanted my family, I wanted to live, I wanted to love and I wanted to be loved.

I have been sober since April 2, 2009. I had to make a lot of changes. I wasn’t around alcohol for the first 9 months of my sobriety. I couldn’t be around people drinking. Not if I was serious about being sober. I didn’t want to risk feeling any kind of temptation. I didn’t need any triggers. I built a really strong foundation those first 9 months and surrounded myself with sober friends and lots of support. I had to find humility. I worked on myself, I worked on my mental health, I had to deal with the reasons I was self medicating and I had to get real with myself. I’ll never graduate from being an alcoholic. I take it one day at a time and I don’t do it alone.

I think of all the drinking I see on tv with all of the reality shows that I love to watch. It’s not my place to judge or criticize. Alcohol is a huge part of many peoples lives. The sad thing is when you witness when the invisible line is crossed from fun and enjoyment to someone’s life spiral out of control. I used to black out all of the time. At first it was funny but eventually it was sad and scary. This might not be a popular thing to say but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that someone who doesn’t have a drinking problem doesn’t crash in to a house. Good friends have a responsibility to let their friend know when the invisible line has been crossed and it’s time to get help before you harm yourself or others.

I leave you with this question, if you remove the alcohol from your friend group, will the friendships fall apart? Will you have things in common or is the alcohol the only thing keeping your group together?

Xoxo

Christina 🫶🏻